Check Up

Content warning: mental health, COVID

Missed a day or two due to overwork and some mental health stuff - missed writing every day in this, which I guess I haven't actually noted is a vague goal right now. I've been having a rough time recently with a lot of shame and intrusive thoughts and a feeling of restless anxiety like an itch in my mind. I've recently started up therapy again and am not feeling terrific about it, possibly because we're still in the part where I just slowly, over the course of several sessions, elucidate the worst things that have ever happened to me.

One suggestion my therapist made which I am going to try is using some sort of meditation app or program. Something that kind of struck me, looking at all of them, is how focused they are on, well, focus and sleep. It's a weird feeling to be like, ah, no, my goal with meditation is not better multitasking, I am just hoping I will stop being very mentally ill.

Although, you know, who isn't mentally ill these days. There's yet another terrific Atlantic piece by Ed Yong going around, this time about the trauma of the last year rearing its head for Americans now that we are getting increasingly more vaccinated and I can really relate. I feel like I weighted so many expectations on the post-vaccination period and for the parents of two kids who can't get vaccinated yet those just... have not panned out. Life is largely the same. I guess the one big thing is when adult-onset allergies absolutely started kicking the shit out of me I didn't automatically assume I had doomed my family and any close strangers to death.

So far I have not heard a peep from work about going back into the office - as hard as it is working from home with two kids, I dread going back in. I'm concerned I'm just not in a place where I can mentally handle other people any more, and it's hard to imagine a resting period that will get me back to functionality.

So as to not end this in a completely terrible way, I tried a new vermouth cocktail today, the Siciliano - I showed my wife the recipe and she said, "Coffee, vermouth, amaro - this is like your perfect drink." And although I used Faccia Brutto Alpino in place of Averna, and old coffee from the morning in place of cold brew, it really was tasty.

The Siciliano Cocktail recipe